Monologue

By Robert Russell

 

Are you listening?

No, how can you? There’s nothing there.

For so long, I wished you were there.

Above me, above everything, in that place that we learned was heavenly.

You were safety, and security, and motivation, and love.

But now you’re nothing.

It took me a while to see. If you actually did exist, you probably shouldn’t have made me atheist.

These translucent stained-glass windows are nothing but artful glass.

This altar before me is nothing but a table.

Your body and blood is nothing but stale bread and shitty wine.

Yet for as long as I’ve known, you were there. You were everything.

And they’ll all say, “He’s not a puppet; humans still have free will”

But you’re a contradiction. How can you be just and merciful?

You can’t.

I loved you and you betrayed me. Time and time again.

Now I have nothing.

I lost the only person I’ve ever loved, and I was told you would do something.

But you did nothing!

You are nothing!

A God is not capricious. Not like you are.

But you don’t care. You’re nothing.

Perhaps you’re laughing at me. Laughing at all of us. Fooled by this absurd illusion.

This antiquated façade has plagued the minds of free individuals for thousands of years.

Individuals like me.

And we’re taught, “It must be true, it’s been here for so long”

But people are too afraid to question – it’s too scary to think that you aren’t there.

Swallow this. Swallow this. SWALLOW HIM. FOLLOW HIM.

And we move along blindly, not realizing that we’ve lost ourselves.

We’ve lost humanity. We’ve lost morality. We’ve lost our grasp on reality.

We’re living a blatant lie.

You are the lie!

Wow. My echoes almost sound like you’re responding. Maybe that’s why churches are so big.

You sit, archaic and content, washing your hands of the problems people look to you to solve. Each prayer, each genuflect, each prostration, each confession, each communion, each sacrament, each hymn, each word, has and always will fall onto deaf ears.

You’re not listening.

You don’t care.

You’re nothing.

I hate myself because of you.

But at least now I know.